Written by Misaki and edited by Victoria
35 Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came over and spoke to him in a low voice. “Master,” they said, “we want you to do us a favor.”
36 “What is it?” he asked.
37 “We want to sit on the thrones next to yours in your Kingdom,” they said, “one at your right and the other at your left!”
38 But Jesus answered, “You don’t know what you are asking! Are you able to drink from the bitter cup of sorrow I must drink from? Or to be baptized with the baptism of suffering I must be baptized with?”
39 “Oh, yes,” they said, “we are!”
And Jesus said, “You shall indeed drink from my cup and be baptized with my baptism, 40 but I do not have the right to place you on thrones next to mine. Those appointments have already been made.”
―Mark 10:35-40 (TLB)
One day, as I was reflecting on Jesus, I thought, if Jesus suddenly appeared in front of me and answered only one of my prayers, what would I ask Him for? Of course it was purely hypothetical. In reality, I know He is the one who listens to our prayers and is there whenever we need Him, but I still couldn’t help thinking about it.
The truth is, I write creative, fictional stories so daydreaming and pondering ‘what-if’ situations are activities I engage in frequently.
However, at that particular moment, my thinking took a turn for the worse. I was thinking I felt like God was far away from me. I was desperate and I needed Him to hear at least one of my prayers.
I recently had started a new job. Since I have an illness, I wasn’t able to get a job for a long time. I could say my previous job was mainly for job-training, so it took a long time to become financially independent. I know that God provided me with this job, and I definitely considered it a blessing. However, I found it hard to manage both church life and work. On top of that, I had a bad habit that I couldn’t share with anybody. It ended up escalating to the point where I couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t help thinking, “Even though I am living on earth right now, I need to run towards Jesus just like if I were living in the New Testament age. I want Him to pray over me.”
My first thought was that I wanted Him to remove that bad habit. I had been hurting myself for so long and I held on to bitter memories from the past. I engaged in that bad habit whenever I failed at something. I also did it when I felt joy in order to torture and remind myself that I didn’t deserve anything. Even though it was such a painful and shameful habit, I couldn’t forgive myself and repeatedly continued. While I wished that God would remove that affliction, I came to the conclusion that I needed to change what I was praying for.
In the book of Mark as I quoted above, James and John begged Jesus that they wanted to be at the highest places. I used to wish for an “incredible” prayer like theirs. In the past, whenever I read these passages, I thought that they had begged for such nonsense, but I also thought that it must have been natural for them to wish for something like that during such a stormy time in their lives. In fact, if they could have indeed sat down on the thrones next to Jesus, there would have been no higher honor. However, Jesus rebuked them both, because it wasn’t a proper prayer.
Then I realized that if I there was a “perfect” prayer, surely, it’d be the Lord’s prayer:
9 “Pray along these lines: ‘Our Father in heaven, we honor your holy name. 10 We ask that your kingdom will come now. May your will be done here on earth, just as it is in heaven. 11 Give us our food again today, as usual, 12 and forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us. 13 Don’t bring us into temptation, but deliver us from the Evil One. Amen.’
―Matthew 6:9-13 (TLB)
If we only focus on our own problems and desires, that cycle will never end. However, once we calm down, pray and focus on His desires and plans, we’ll experience a peace like no other.
I wrote before that I had felt like God was far away from me, but I was probably running far away from God and focusing on my own life-tasks. There was a moment of weakness when I thought I didn’t trust Jesus or His miracles. Indeed, He had done many miracles in my life, and I was sure He’d do so in the future as well, but the truth is, that is not the main reason I trust Him. I trust God because He loved us and created us. I trust Jesus, who sacrificed himself for us. I prayed and shifted my focus on Jesus, and then went to bed.
Scripture quatations marked (TLB) are taken from The Living Bible copyright 🄫 1971.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189.